The 5 Love Languages

I just read through a book my friend suggested to me called The 5 Love Languages. It's an advice book written by Dr. Gary Chapman a pastor, speaker and author on topics such as marriage, family and relationships. In this book he doesn't tell you how to meet people. Rather he advises people on how to maintain or even enhance existing relationships.

Many relationships start off on a high note. That's the "In Love" phase. It usually lasts about 2-years according to psychologist, Dr. Dorothy Tennov, who has done long range studies on the phenomenon. After that, she effectively says, we descend from the clouds and see our partners for exactly who they are, warts and all.

After dealing with the initial disappointment we can chose to pursue "Real Love" with our spouse. It's a love that is emotional in nature, but not obsessional. One that unites both reason and emotion. Dr. Chapman states that our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love, but to be genuinely loved by another.

The "Love Tank"

How do we meet each other's deep, emotional need to feel loved? Dr. Chapman speaks about each of us having a Love Tank that needs to be filled. As we know people will do all manner of seemingly irrational acts when they are in love. We'll climb the highest peaks, swim the deepest seas and endure untold hardship all in it's name.

The need to feel loved starts when we are young. Without that nourishment a child can grow to be emotionally and socially retarded. In fact much of the misbehavior that comes from children stems from the fact they are yearning for the love and attention they feel is lacking. Acting up is the only way they feel they can get that attention.

Dr. Chapman recalls a story about a girl of thirteen named "Ashley". She had recently been treated for an STD. Her parents were very upset at the fact she had had sex at such a young age. Ashley explained to Dr. Chapman that her parents had gotten divorced when she was six. She thought her father had left because he didn't love her. Her mother had remarried when Ashley was ten. She found someone to love her, but Ashley felt she still didn't have anyone to love her. At school she met an older boy who was kind to her and who she really thought loved her. She didn't want to have sex, she said, but she really wanted to be loved and was willing to do anything to keep that feeling.

Ashley's Love Tank had been empty for years. Her mother and step-father had provided for her physical needs, but failed to realize the emotional struggles that raged deep inside her. They certainly loved their daughter and thought she knew this. It wasn't until it was too late did the realize they weren't speaking Ashley's primary Love Language.

The 5 Love Languages

Like French, English or Spanish everyone speaks different love languages. To facilitate a healthy relationship with our partner we have to keep their Love Tank filled. In order to do that we must speak his or her primary Love Language. It's a way of letting them know that we care for them and love them. But, if we can't communicate it properly they won't know.

1. Words of Affirmation

Bill and Betty Jo had been married for 12 years. They live in a lovely home in Arkansas and have two beautiful children together. Unfortunately for them things were falling apart at the seams. Bill was a hard worker. He spent a lot of time out earning money to put towards their home and to buy the other necessities of life. Betty Jo had a part time job, but was mainly a homemaker who took care of the house and their kids. She admitted part of the reason she took her job was to get out of the house just so they could put some distance between themselves so their problems wouldn't seem so large.

Dr. Chapman spent an hour with each of them listening to their stories. He found, despite the emptiness in their marriage they still appreciated certain things about one another. Bill stated that Betty Jo was a good housekeeper and cook, but he no longer felt any affection coming from her. Betty Jo said that Bill was a good provider, but rarely helped around the house and never had time to do anything with her.

After contemplating what they had told him Dr. Chapman suggested they both write a list of the things they both liked about each other. After that they were to select something from their list and twice a week express verbal appreciation to one another. Two months later they were to report back to him on what had happened.

As it turned out, Bill, was quite happy. Betty Jo had expressed her appreciation for all his hard work and provision for their family. He was pleased to have her finally acknowledge all the effort he put into taking care of them. Betty Jo, on the other hand wasn't so thrilled. The compliments were nice, she said, but she still missed doing things together with him. He was away so much doing things for work that they rarely had time to spend with one another. That's when the light turned on in Dr. Chapman's head. He realized that Bill's primary love language was Words of Affirmation, but Betty Jo's was the topic of our next chapter.

2. Quality Time

Betty Jo needed Quality Time. That's what filled her Love Tank. While verbal affirmation from Bill was appreciated, it didn't really do it for her. What she desperately wanted was to do things together with him like they did before they were married. She said they used to go out to dinner or travel to places. But, ever since they got married he would always be too tired to do things after he returned from work. To make her happy he would have to remedy that.

Dr. Chapman got Bill to write up a list of all the things that his wife mentioned she would like to do with him over the years they were together. Then once a week, for two months, he was to take her out and do something on that list then report back to him. Guess what? It worked. Betty Jo was ecstatic. She was thrilled that Bill was spending more time with her and giving her his undivided attention. And Bill was equally happy. His love tank was full because Betty Jo kept complimenting him on his contributions to the household. All this because they learned to speak one another's love languages.

3. Receiving Gifts

Gifts are visual symbols of love. You may receive a flower from your child that he has picked. It may not be a flower that you particularly like, but you cherish it nonetheless because you know he picked it for you out of love. It's the meaning behind the gift that's most important.

Jim and Janice live in Chicago. They have three children and have been married for fifteen years. Three years ago they had attended a marriage seminar hosted by Dr. Chapman and they said it saved their marriage.

Janice said that their marriage had been empty a long time and that she was desperate. She no longer felt loved by Jim and was seriously considering leaving him. She said she tried to be a good wife by cooking and cleaning and taking care of the kids, but she felt used and unappreciated. Jim countered by saying that he didn't understand why she was so unhappy. He would remind Janice that the bills were always paid on time and that they had a nice house and new car. He said that she was free to work inside or outside of the home if she wished and that she should be happy instead of complaining.

It was only after attending the seminar together that things began to change. One day Jim brought home a single rose he had bought from a street vendor to give to her. Another day he brought home a few boxes of Cracker Jacks for the kids and a potted plant for her. He told her he thought it would last longer than cut flowers. It carried on from a card expressing his love for her to dinners out to buying cookies from her favorite store. Janice thought she was hallucinating. She was so happy, but she couldn't understand the sudden change.

Jim explained that after attending Dr. Chapman's marriage seminar that he finally realized what Janice's love language was - Receiving Gifts. Before they were married he used to buy her gifts on a regular basis which she really loved. But, afterwards he thought they were a waste of money. He said he'd give her a card and later she would throw it out. So he stopped. But, now he realized that this was the way she felt his love and appreciation. He didn't necessarily have to go out and buy something expensive. It was the thought behind the gift that counted. That's what Janice cared most about.

4. Acts of Service

Mark and Mary are a young couple. They only been married for two years, but things were starting to deteriorate already. It seems like they could never agree on anything. Mary didn't like it when Mark went out hunting and fishing all the time. She said that he wanted her to stay home all the time and cook and clean up and that he didn't like it when she went out to visit her mother. Mark replied that he didn't mind her visiting her mother, but that he'd appreciate it if the house was cleaned up when he came home and dinner was ready. He said that he works hard and that half the time she hadn't even started cooking by the time he got back.

Dr. Chapman delved deeper into their problem. He asked them what things were like when they were dating. He found that Mary didn't mind so much when Mark went out to hunt and fish. And that Mark used to help out more around the house. Mary said she felt loved when he contributed in that way. He explained that after they married he thought he didn't have to do that sort of thing any longer because that's the way it was in his family when he grew up. His father went out to work and his mother stayed home and took care of the kids and house. That's what he was used to.

As it turns out, in this particular case, Acts of Service was the primary love language of both Mark and Mary. Dr. Chapman had them both write out a list of four things they'd like to see each other do around the house. They were to do them for each other for next two months. After that they could add one request per month to each other's list. "That makes sense." said Mary. "I think you have really helped us." added Mark as they walked off happily hand in hand.

5. Physical Touch

This particular love language is pretty self-explanatory as far as I'm concerned. Though it doesn't just mean having sex, but other forms of intimate touching like holding hands, kissing and embracing as well. Dr. Chapman says, a tender hug communicates love to any child, but it shouts love to the child whose primary love language is physical touch. The same is true of adults.

Your partner knows what he or she likes best when it comes to appreciating a loving touch. Some people take great pleasure in sexual intercourse. Others like snuggling on the couch while watching TV. While even others like passing touches like a hand caressing her shoulder as you pass by in the kitchen or a kiss goodnight or when you leave the house in the morning. If your partner's primary love language is Physical Touch, you'd better figure these things out.

Physical Touch and Crises - I just thought I'd touch upon this one subject. If your partner's love language is Physical Touch a hug in times of crises is the most powerful way to convey your love. And failure to do so in such times can be something that will never be forgiven or forgotten. We will all encounter difficult times in our lives. The death of loved ones is one example. When our partners are grieving it's so important for us to show our love and support by holding them when they're disconsolate. Your words may mean little, but your physical touch shows you care.

I hope this summary of the book has been helpful to you. To figure out your own Love Language you can take the test here. The following were my results - Acts of Service was my main Love Language, followed in a close second by Physical Touch. Quality Time and Words of Affirmation were tied for third with Receiving Gifts pulling up the rear.